Fear and Loathing in Tainan

Cherry Popping Tainan

Tainan, the oldest city in Taiwan. Literally meaning South (Nan) of Taiwan (Tai), everyone I asked about Tainan would say things like; dude it’s so awesome! Dude, the food is amazing! Dude I love Tainan. Yet in 6 years I have never ventured there.

A cultured swine, I usually prefer the lush vibes and architecture of Taipei; everytime one steps of the trains and enters her arms, she shows you the ultimate in potential; people and city both.

The pinnacle of fashion, finance, taste and style, but now, people had talked me in into taking a trip to Taiwan’s ex capital, and now it was time for me to see what all the hype was about.

First impressions as I got off the train? It’s hot, it’s aesthetically unpleasing to put it politely. Squarey communist buildings all with a faded tone of grey, light green and light yellow. Drab to say the least. So picture me driving around, looking at this place, wondering to myself what the big deal is?

Is this place really as good as everyone says it is or am I the idiot who can’t realize it?

The troops gathered and we unpacked our bags. An interesting group of actors and writers, all bundled together and 2 new faces for the group of old friends bound together in the spirit of the holiday.

The objective? (Since I’m following and not leading) Find the famous food spots.

We started by going to a very old noodle/soup shop. I was introduced to the sauces. Tasty noodles, fish dumplings, I got the curry for some reason, but this spot did not really impress me. Looked like a lot of carbs. My friends noodles were tasty, but I guess I limit myself by staying clear of eating four legged animals. (Why? Cause, I guess, I wish not too indulge too hard?)

The next stop was the green bean milk shop, we couldn’t get any, since the line was way too long. So instead we got some tea from a famous tea shop. I got the passion fruit mixed green tea. Quite nice, but not unlike anything I had. That was situated in a little market area filled with food and clothes. The famous ice cream was skipped, and instead, we rode our scooters to the island pine forest market.

At the market I started to get it…looking at these people, they felt unlike ones I’ve seen before in the other cities…they were unlike the too cool for school pretention of Taipei; not as conservative as people in Taichung, and not as in their own vibe as the mountain folks of mid Taiwan…these people had more tattoos, hippy/loose fitting island shirt styles…these people looked way more chill, and I don’t mean bumpkin chill,  I mean like people that would be quite fun to drink a beer with, and who wouldn’t mind a sneaky joint here or there.

The kids seem more natural, the girls more chill, the dudes laid back, and with the beach right next to this pine tree market, filled with home made art/curries/fruit juices, clothes and aromatics…one can start seeing how this could be more of a holiday destination than thought before.

The beach was nice; cool breeze, mid temperature water, black sand…tents set up like a trance party, old friends being bumped into…I was beginning to loosen up on old Tainan.

With the market explored, we went back to the hotel to shower and nap a bit, to get ready for the night of debauchery that was about to unfold (perhaps a bit of an overstatement, but lets keep things Gonzo right?).

So a short break down of the stops we had. First we went to a traditional BBQ shop. One where you choose your skewers first, ranging from chicken, beef, fish, shrimp, mushrooms, green peppers, salmon, tofu, rice sausages and chicken assholes. You get your drinks and go into old Taiwan, underground, surrounded by wood and relics of the past, you see how families and friends are seated by a staff of grannies that can not only kick your ass, but probably own casual millions in investments.

With the skewers shared, and secrets revealed, we went in different directions. I had heard about the Indian place that was famous from my co-workers and I was adamant to try it.  (the samosas where nice, the gulab jamun fire, and one papadum was 25rand which disgusted me).

That night, the gay friend shared some funny gay stories with me, something a straight dude like me couldn’t imagine (a naked bar in Tokyo with a big happy ending), and I shared with him a gulab jamun, we both went mental and drank the honey like shots and got charged with a sugar high, together with other unnatural highs, which kicked the scene into overdrive.

We walked through a famous party space, filled with pubs, and tasty shops and clothes.  More and more foreigner dudes, holding hands with Taiwanese girls, and a feeling like this is where you want to go with your friends for a fun night out.

After that, we went to the famous night market, where one girl in our group showed her shooting chops by shooting all the balloons in the firing range with a pellet gun, winning a cool  rubix cube key chain accessory.

The night ended with us playing board games and drinking beer (a traditional Taiwanese past time) at the hotel room. The game in question, one I never played before; where there are pictures on 20 blocks, one containing a bomb, the cubes separated between blue and red (which the 2 teams consist of) and one has one word, to try and get your teammates to correctly  choose their blocks  without choosing the other teams block, or a blank or the bomb (which makes the other team win automatically), so imagine one word that can make people choose: a broken slot machine, a dragon coming out of a tent, a penguin with a snorkel, a volcano with confetti coming out, and a barricaded cave, with them having to avoid a hot air balloon with a taget painted on it (that being the bomb)).

That night I fully got the charm of Tainan, riding on the scooter, taking photos in the districts, eating copious amounts of food. That night I felt more Taiwanese than ever before, and for better or worse, I loved the feeling. The people here are chill, innocent, able to share a room where in a single woman and gay man share a bed, right next to a couple (a 30 year old and a 22 year old, but hey, “I don’t believe in age” as the man said). They are writers, actors, artists; and they are here to enjoy the 4 day holiday; and I for one was happy to have been a part of that.

So if you ever find yourself in Taiwan, perhaps one day and one night spent in Tainan, should be put on your itinerary.

This is Jin Li Hai, saying happy tomb sweeping holidays!