The Stoned Ape Theory

There is an old interesting theory, that the primates that where able to advance first and become the hybrid that would change into Homo-Sapiens, where directly influenced by eating magic mushrooms. The mushrooms expanded their brains and consciousness supposedly, allowing their imagination to grow and show that that more was capable, and they grew higher than their animalistic instincts. The species evolved, and grew dominant, driving off their competitors back to the trees (to anyone who thought there was some truth to Steve Harvey saying, “if we came from apes, why are there still monkeys?).

The interesting thing about teaching children, is seeing how close and how far we are to the apes themselves; how easy it is to shape them, how their innate nature are of fear and selfishness, and how at my school, we teach them to be polite, multilingual, able to fold their own beds, put it in a bag, line up outside and how to sing cute songs together so we can record them and send it to their parents so that they feel they are a part of their children’s youth (these, the people who send their kids off to preschool at age 2 (our baby class), even though a lot of these parents are rich, and also the stories their kids will tell me, “daddy will play on the phone all day”. Because, in this culture, you are expected to have children. In fact, if you are 30 and unmarried, then your relatives at every opportunity you meet, will ask you why you aren’t married yet, and that they know someone they could try and set you up on a date with. This results in many women getting quite anxious around that time if they are, or aren’t married. The only problem is, after you have the kid, then everyone goes back to work, and our beautiful, hardworking, and often underpaid Taiwanese teachers will take care of them for you, and break through all those tough lessons, like discipline, manners, and how to wipe their own bottoms. (tis true)

Yet, I get paid twice as much as those girls, the ones feeding and holding the babies, teaching them Chinese characters, being their second mother and also working twice as hard as me. The reason? I’m foreign and white, and that is what the market wants. I’m not going to go into the plight of the American born Asians, nor will I say that I am for or against the practice. I will say that the price I have to pay, to leave family, my culture and people who think like me behind to live a completely foreign life, with food, language and customs way different than my own, makes up for it. I have comfort, security, investment and safety…but no damn party sauce. No braai’s, no chill cool dudes that I can strike a conversation with at place in Cape Town…just weird, awkward humans, and even weirder expats.

How I long for the days of rolling Jay after Jay with no worry about it ever being hard to come by again. Me, I’m just sucking on this electronic oil pipe, searching for solace after a long hard day of jumping up and down and making kids laugh. So much so that I become lost in a foggy daze and imagine myself as the stoned ape incarnate. The ape that I used to be, in a time before making money was so high on my personal food chain; waking up and deciding who to hang out with. Which substance, which scenery, all within a 30 minute car ride. The ape, I remember telling to my GF, the first time I took shrooms, I remember seeing myself outside of myself, and how my negative path of current was affecting me and others, and each memory hit me “metaphorically” in the chest…punishing me for my decisions of old, but ultimately, teaching me to be kinder and more considerate. With each session of shrooms I took, I grew wiser and more aware of my soul and the environment around me.

For those of you who do not understand a shroom trip, or who hasn’t ever frequented a “trance party” as we used to call them, is a ceremonious experience, long since in the history of humans who lived in harmony with nature and who had shamans (more evidence for the theory?) believed that the trip revealed man’s journey to him, gave him a metaphorical look outside of the matrix, so he could see the “movie” of his life. That description I have used before…my life as a movie…seeing a glorious moment as destiny, as an epic moment in the film of my life…jumping off waterfalls, kissing the girl you’ve always had your eye on…nailing the interview and getting your project created. The shamans such as the Native Americans who conducted their ceremonies with peyote for men age 16, was for the young brave to learn their name, their “spirit name” so to speak. However, I digress…now where was I…yes, what is a shroom trip?

Well, the mushrooms enter your stomach and take about 45min- 1hour to usually kick in; one feels slightly nauseas, tingly and lightheaded…after which one starts to feel a rush of energy, and the will to move, or explore nature…followed by intense rush of euphoria and either a bout of babbling, childlike laughter or profound silence. It is after that that the trip skyrockets and the “teacher plant” goes to work…connecting you with the higher self and the collective consciousness. You are able to feel the vibrations of the plants; you are made aware of things that you have been blinded by your ego to stop noticing in the mirror. You are illuminated and the veil of the matrix lifts, revealing to you the message from source that you were meant to hear at this precise moment in time. Either good or bad, this profound effect has you feeling emotional, you cry, or think about people who have helped you in your journey for self discovery, and you feel blessed, humbled and eternally grateful to whatever it is you feel in nature and your heart, because after all it doesn’t have a name. So the men of Tao in the East describe it. A fitting description which I have grown to respect and feel myself.

Now what do shrooms have to do with teaching very small kids? Well, more than you could imagine (and I’m also just reminiscing, seeing as they’re very hard to find here; although, I have heard rumours that they grow wild in the Yangmingshan mountains of Taiwan (a definite must see, in fact lets look at a picture).

The point is, watching these little humans discover and grow in a creative caring environment; coached the right way, to share and care. Sit and eat together on tiny tables everyday, watching them line up, wash their hands, learn to wipe their little bums; learn to deal with their emotions, watching them screaming as they’re being separated from their mommies at age 2, and seeing how they grow and develop and start speaking and sharing their mind with you…feels like I’m tripping all the time…or rather…that I’m the shaman, the circus leader in this bizarrely orchestrated business that takes people’s tiny children with the promise to teach them manners, language, reading and writing…makes my paycheck a little more satisfying. I used to want to rebel against the system, but now as I’m maturing, I feel happy knowing that I am giving a positive contribution to the system and happy, to be deservedly compensated, a feeling that few can say they feel in this world. And looking at that, I think to myself…how far have we come from just being apes in caves. How far have we come that I can work in a place actually trying its best…and a place where I can travel 200km’s in 45 minutes. What a (weird) time to be alive, but hey, at least you in SA can buy some shrooms easily for about 100 rand and go to some beautiful spots and escape the matrix for a little while and learn to understand, accept and embrace your movie.

Stay high and stay lifted

Jin Li Hai